The Most Beautiful Pain in the World
by fuzzylovescats
Summary: One-shot, set after the attempt to capture female-type titan. RIVETRA; Levi reflects on his relationship with Petra, wondering if she knew how he felt about her before she died. Brief descriptions of injury, sfw, drama. Based (very) loosely on the song "Love How it Hurts" by Scouting for Girls. Hope you enjoy :)


"The Most Beautiful Pain in the World"

He'd been waiting, all his life, for someone like her to come mess with his mind.

…

Levi sank down into his bed, his body weary and sore after the day's failed expedition. Sweat was beading on his head and neck, and was carrying dirt and dried blood from amongst his dark hair down onto his face.

A cool breeze carried the smell of dirt and blood into his room. He knew the smell well. After what seemed like hundreds of similar failed attempts at humanity's redemption, the smell of his comrades' blood had become familiar to him.

He still felt shocked every time he saw one of his fellow human beings fall, or be crushed, or be torn, or slowly lose all their blood through an open wound, despite its repetition. That gutting feeling of watching a friend's life being torn out of them had become a regular part of his life, but it never lost its sting.

This time, however, felt even worse.

…

"She really _was_ beautiful," he thought, sitting absolutely still in his quiet room.

Life had always seemed unclean to Levi; he said it was marked by the smell of death. The cruelty of the upper classes, and the constant threat of attack by the mindless killing machines, the titans, seemed to have driven everything that was beautiful out of the world. Human kindness was scarce, and genuine peace was unknown. Petra was outside of that. She was beyond that. She was above that.

Levi lifted his eyes to the window, where he saw the breeze had lifted the thin curtain onto a wooden splinter in the crude wall of his room. He tilted his head, realising what had happened. Still preoccupied with thought, he rose, and walked toward the window. He placed his hand behind the curtain to remove it from the splinter. A sharp pain shot through his hand, bringing his mind back to the present moment.

As he quickly drew his hand back towards his body, he brushed it against the curtain.

It left a trail of blood.

Levi's eyes were transfixed on the bloodied area of the curtain. The way the red blood mingled with the golden colour of the fabric reminded him of the way in which the most beautiful thing in his life had been destroyed.

…

Images of her mangled body, brutally crushed against a tree in the dark forest flooded his mind. Her red blood, was running through her golden hair when he slipped past her in the forest. The way her eyes were open, the way her lips were so pale, and the way her neck had reached so far back, stuck in front of his eyes, even after so many hours had passed.

…

Levi moved back to his bed. He looked down at the letter which he has placed on his pillow when he first returned from the expedition - the letter Petra's father had given to him when he learned of his beloved daughter's death.

His heart began to pound, and his breathing picked up pace and became more intense.

His mind flicked to the moment when her father had approached him after the failed mission.

Petra had told her father that she wanted to get married.

"She really loved me," Levi groaned, as his body lurched forward with a sudden pain in his chest.

He stayed in that position, with his bent and bloodied body portraying how he felt inside. Pressure seemed to build inside the room as his pent up feelings pushed and pushed, trying to surface.

Finally, he snapped. He flung his body backwards across his bed.

"Tell me she noticed!" he shouted at the ceiling, as if the roof would know if she was aware that he reciprocated her feelings.

With the pain and destruction surrounding him, he felt it hard to believe that mutual love could exist in such a world. He felt it hard to believe that she could love him the way he loved her.

There had been many times when he had tried to hint to her that he felt more for her than camaraderie. During squad meetings, he had always gone to extra lengths to take note of her opinion. During practice sessions, he had often spent extra time practicing his skills with her.

He remembered her smile, the same one she showed him when he asked his squad to take charge of Eren while he reported to Erwin - the last time he saw her alive.

He clenched his teeth, and then released them pleading, "Tell me she heard!"

"For her," he thought, "I'd have run to the ends of the Earth"

…

Levi rolled onto his side, finally allowing tears to flow from his eyes, which were grey with tiredness.

"I couldn't keep her," he chocked, smelling the aroma of blood and dirt again.

He stretched his hand out, trying to find some comfort in the softness of the sheets. He remembered when they had first met, when he saw her enrol in the recon corps, and how badly he had wanted to touch her soft hair.

He remembered how one evening the squad had gathered after one of their many failed missies, and how she had rallied their spirits with her fervour for the redemption.

Seeing the faces of her despairing comrades, she had reminded why they had enlisted in the survey corps in the first place.

"I believe that there is more to life that what we see inside the walls!" she had exclaimed, with the very hope and beauty, which Levi desperately searched for.

"We must fight for goodness! If we keep on fighting, and don't give up, we can finally find out what is beyond those walls! We can redeem humanity from its sins, and regain its freedom from the titans!" She seemed so full of life then.

"Will you all promise me, that you will never give in to them? Will you keep on fighting for all that is good?" she asked.

Levi had been sure he caught her eye as she said the last words that day.

Her words filled everyone in the room with hope, which the titan attacks had been quickly depleting. Levi had been the first to stand and salute, pledging to rise above the doom that surrounded them, and to fight on. Petra smiled at him.

…

Tears began to flow more freely as the memory of the way she spoke filled him with the slightest ray of hope, despite his pain at losing her.

The memory of how she had spoken that day gave him enough energy to rise from his bed, and stand. He smacked his feet at attention, and thumped his right hand over his aching heart.

"I'll keep my word, Petra!" he yelled, dirty tears streaking down his face.

"I'll keep fighting! I'll meet you again, Petra, after all this! I'll fight until we meet again!"

"She was so beautiful, she was all that could be beautiful in the world. I'll keep fighting for her, for beauty, for the goodness that she showed me could exist," Levi said to himself as he stood alone in his room.

"This pain of loving you - it's the most beautiful pain in the world! I love you, Petra! I love how it hurts!"


End file.
